The Accidental Vegan

So, I am a vegan. Did you know that?

Here’s a list from Peta2 that I like, showcasing “accidentally vegan” food. I don’t necessarily like the list because it has revealed to me treasures previously unknown. I was already eating some Laffy Taffy while I read it. I really like it because it is something I can submit into evidence in my defense. Here is my case: The World vs. Normal Vegan, in which defendant must prove that she is not a two-headed freak that only eats grass and twigs; in which defendant must prove that she is neither militant nor angry. (I mean, how can defendant be angry while eating motherfuckin’ Jujyfruits?)

Of course, vegans know that this is actually a stupid list, because the list could really go on for miles and miles, as there are probably more “accidentally vegan” food items than there are non-vegan food items. So I want to topsy-turvy this hot stuff and start calling things that aren’t vegan “accidentally not vegan.” For instance, did you know that Imagine Tomato Soup contains milk? Like, seriously, wt. I tried some of it a while back and it tasted like vomit. Someone accidentally put some butter in that shit. Come on now, why you gotta do that? That was surely an accident. And also a jar of Planters Dry-roasted peanuts has freakin’ gelatin in it. I mean, gelatin, in peanuts? They’re peanuts for god’s sake.

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VEGAN ASIDE
And what’s wrong about gelatin, you ask? Well, as the very normal Wikipedia states: “Gelatin is a protein produced by partial hydrolysis of collagen extracted from the bones, connective tissues, organs and some intestines of animals such as domesticated cattle, pigs, and horses.” That shit nasty. And also, gelatin is usually a by-product of the meat or leather industry, and so this vegan chooses to abstain.

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So anywho, I recommend this list to people who are thinking about taking the plunge into vegandom, or for people who look at the little vegan in their lives and think, Why on earth isn’t she a skeleton? I’ll tell you why I’m not a skeleton, people. Four words: motherfuckin’ chocolate crème Oreos.