What Vegans Eat: Mango Lassi Popsicles

Are mangoes weird? I'm not sure, but I'm using my occasion of making mango lassi popsicles as further evidence that vegans are not weird. Is making your own popsicles weird? I could totally be doing something counter-productive here. At any rate, I wanted to make a snack to incorporate into a mostly raw diet that I implemented for a few days after birthday feasting. I also wanted an excuse to use the new popsicle molds Bill gave me for my birthday. Here's what I did:


Step One: Pick out your popsicle slingin' music. Nothing says "detox" and "mangoes" like Johnny Cash and June Carter.

Step Two: Get your copy of Ani's Raw Food Kitchen by Ani Phyo. Sift through the million pretentious photos of the author mingling at the market and eating like a gerbil outside an old school L.A. TV repair shop and find the recipe for the Mango Lassi smoothie. You will be freezing this smoothie to create your popsicles. Google "lassi" to find out what the heck it means.

Step Three: Assemble your army of ingredients. Even though it is "raw," there are no strange components to this smoothie, because, alas, smoothies are pretty much raw by their nature. This recipe calls for water, mangoes, raw almonds, dates, and a vanilla bean. You will be replacing the dates with maple syrup because a little boy who lives in your apartment thinks dates are icky. You will also be using pure vanilla extract instead of a vanilla bean because buying one vanilla bean for a batch of popsicles seems like a pretty yuppie thing to do.

Step Four: Peel the mangoes. It's tough as hell, but don't be discouraged. It can also be slippery once you get part of the rind off. But you can do it. You will eat this mango. Dammit you can do it! If a little dainty lemur can tame this fruity beast, then so can you. You will.

Step Five: Don't cry when the peeler slips and slices the tip of your finger open. Frickin lemurs. Who do they think they are?

Step Six: Haphazardly wrap a bandage around your finger to prevent blood from dripping into the smoothie.

Step Seven: Pretend you know how to chop a mango. Seriously. What is going on in the center of this thing? Whose idea was it to put a bone china saucer in the center of a piece of fruit? Is this really vegan?

Step Eight: Put everything in the blender.

Step Nine: Realize your blender probably can't handle all of that mango, and take a few cups out of the blender as a safety precaution.

Step Ten: Blend everything together and fill your popsicle molds. Leave some room at the top of the molds, because the smoothie goop will potentially expand while freezing. Then realize you could have halved the recipe because there's still a ton of smoothie left.

Step Eleven: Place the molds into the icebox. They need to freeze for at least four hours. While this magic is taking place, drink the leftover smoothie out of the blender and then do the dishes. Watch some YouTube clips of lemurs being all adorable and junk. Tickle your cat's paws while she's sleeping. Read National Geographic. Dust the furniture. Sleep. And then, after hours of torture enjoy your popsicle!